Who do you think you are?

Several months ago I was playing in a basketball game when someone on the other team accused me of being a dirty player. What happened next surprised me a little.

You see, I’m normally a fairly respectful player. In my younger days I was more prone to “white line fever” and arguing with the referee about the bad call that couldn’t possibly have been my fault. Now I prefer a more easy going style of game – still competitive and physical – but relatively free from trash talk and abuse.

So when a player accused me of intentionally doing something that he said could have injured him, I saw red. We became embroiled in an on-court argument which didn’t get out of control, but did involve me sharing some forceful, unfiltered perspectives relating to his allegation.

The game continued on and after the game had concluded, I was still quite angry about his unfounded accusation. And for clarity – I hadn’t done anything intentionally to try to injure him and there was no resulting injury. We both left the court at least physically unscathed, though emotionally I’ll admit I was a little scarred.

What’s the big deal?

When I was speaking with my teammates after the game about this incident, it was clear that they didn’t really see what the issue was.

Firstly, they don’t consider me to be a dirty player, so it seemed strange to them that I was burning so much mental energy thinking any further about it.

You didn’t do anything wrong – so what’s the problem?

It’s a fair question. Many players in a similar situation would just shrug off the accusation as competitive “trash talk” or dismiss the comment as simply being uninformed nonsense. Some who did have malicious intent may even say it’s “all just part of the game”.

But these weren’t my reactions and I know I’m not a dirty player, so why did it get under my skin?

I’m never content with experiencing strong emotions until I can understand why I feel those emotions.

Admittedly, I enjoy the introspective problem-solving of trying to understand myself better. In my mind, it means I become better prepared for what life throws at me.

It starts with values.

I believe that every good reflection begins with examining our emotional responses through the frame of our personal values. Of course to do that, you need to have a pretty good idea about what your personal values are first.

Luckily for me, I’ve spent some time attempting to understand and refine my values, so I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it. However, this particular basketball incident had me questioning my understanding a little because at first, I didn’t really see a clear connection between my values and my response.

So let’s take a look at the values that seemed most relevant to this situation.

Acceptance: This is one of my strongest values, and while it doesn’t immediately seem that there is an obvious link to the basketball allegation, I believe one exists. It’s because a big part of acceptance is about showing consideration for others.

If, as claimed, I had intentionally tried to hurt someone during the game, this would hardly be showing consideration for the other player. Therefore, it makes sense that I would feel angry at being accused of acting in opposition to one of my strongest values.

In addition, being labelled as a “dirty player” essentially positioned me as a bit of an outsider, separating me from the group of sportsmanlike and respectful people that play the game (of which I consider myself to be a part). This alone would have directly attacked my sense of belonging in the basketball community, even if my fellow teammates don’t see it that way.

Self-Reliance: Part of my value of self-reliance is that I try to take accountability for, and ownership of my actions. I generally try to act as intentionally as I can, pausing to think before taking action. If I had intentionally tried to injure somebody, then this would mean that I had purposefully acted against several of my core values – a proposition that would make me feel very uncomfortable.

Ease: Another of my values is that of “ease”, which is all about being relaxed, calm and favouring a harmonious environment. It means chilling out and going with the flow, without all the angst. Competition basketball doesn’t always involve harmony, but in this case, the allegation trampled all over this particular value, possibly contributing to my strong reaction.

Health is another core value of mine – I put a lot of effort into staying fit, healthy and strong. Now imagine that I had intentionally tried to injure another player. That would be a direct contradiction of my foundational beliefs, which would be highly out of character.

The last value that I favour is called Potential. For me, potential means striving to improve, to grow and to help other people do the same. I would consider intentionally injuring somebody to be a fairly major backward step in my personal growth, which again is why this may have provoked such a visceral reaction.

Was it the values, or the implication that I wasn’t living them?

What you may have noticed about my previous values reflection above is that this situation directly attacked a few of my core values: Acceptance, Self-Reliance and Ease. My other values were only tangentially involved, and may not have really contributed to my response at all.

But I believe what really led to my strong emotional reaction was that the accusation implied that I was somebody who would intentionally aim to injure another person.

In other words, it directly attacked my sense of identity. If I hold these six values as being a strong representation of who I am and what I believe, then intentionally injuring somebody would be a direct contradiction of what I stand for.

I don’t personally know the other player who accused me of wrongdoing. So there is no way that he could have any idea of what my values are or how I generally behave. His accusation was founded on his own beliefs and the perceptions of a single moment of basketball.

I have the advantage of being able to reflect on this situation from the inside out. When we judge others we’ll always have limited information, because we’re looking at the situation from the outside in.

These moments of reflection won’t help you eliminate regret, and they won’t help you rewind the actions you take or excuse bad behaviour. But they do help you gain a better understanding of the way you see yourself, and the components that make up your sense of self.

Strong emotions are worth examining. They don’t tell us what happened – they tell us about who we think we are.